Okay, what’s up again! Under normal circumstances, I would be responsible for writing my article. However, today is extraordinary because, girls and gentlemen, I have a unique guest with me: an octopus who has swam from the ocean to tell you stats about himself! I would first like to note that I included octopuses because I don’t like that they are such greedy weapon collectors. Seriously. Why do they want so many octopuses while armless snakes and snails get such a raw deal?
However, I am open-minded to adding octopuses to my list of “friends”. We’ll just see how that goes. So anyway, take it away, Mr. Octopus!
Three Hearts Octopus
Apart from not being happy with just a few fingers, we also agree that having just one heart is for fools. So we have three of them: tiny hearts near the gills that enrich the blood with oxygen and then carry it to our big heart, which pumps this fresh blood to the rest of our body.
I’m like Einstein, but smarter
We octopuses may be stupid-looking, but that doesn’t mean we’re stupid. In truth, we’re considered the smartest invertebrates. We can open bottles and pour out the contents, and even use tools to open shellfish so we can eat the weird (but delicious!) goo living inside.
Being a parent kills me
We don’t live very long. The average lifespan of an octopus is between 1 and 5 years. This all has to do with the fact that we’re like, “Being a dad and mom sucks. I’m getting out of here.” Seriously. After a male octopus enjoys several seconds of octopus sex, he wanders off and dies. Meanwhile, the girl says goodbye to the world after her babies hatch and asks if they can borrow her credit scorecard. Men, we are useless parents.
Let’s go for a walk together.
I love walking along the beach with support. Swimming is great, and if you’re good at it, you can compete in the Olympics. The problem is that when I swim my heart stops pumping blood to my organs, so walking won’t have as much of an impact on my body. It’s weird though.
My palms have a mind of their own
First of all, they could be fingers and no longer tentacles! Also, 3-of-a-third of my neurons are in my palms, which is why they continue to have a high level of focus even if I accidentally cut them off in some unfortunate business coincidence. Also, my “brainy” fingers or whatever you call them, make me excellent at multitasking, which is why if I had an office job I would waste my entire day using Facebook and YouTube.
I’m blue-blooded
You weird humans (and most other animals) have red blood. We octopuses think that’s pretty disgusting! We have blue blood, which is pretty awesome and possibly makes us majestic. What’s the point? Well, your blood is red because it’s iron-based. Alternatively, our blood is blue because it’s copper-based, which is a more efficient mineral for transporting oxygen in cold, low-oxygen environments.
Chameleons of the Sea
Just like you love a plate of boneless bird feathers, sharks dolphins and other marine predators love snacking on boneless octopuses while watching a football game. Because of this, we make ourselves as difficult to detect as possible. We can turn into something that looks like a rock, sea snake, stingray, flounder, jellyfish, crab or even the lionfish we consider the king of the ocean. We are shapeshifters. You must find this truth terrifying and it may make you want to bow down to your octopus Illuminati shapeshifting overlords.
My hobby is collecting stuff
We decorate our homes by collecting seashells, coconuts and different trinkets. I could make up a shaggy dog story about trying to pitch a concept for an octopus home decor show that airs on HGTV, but I won’t. That would be silly.
My suckers are strong
You might think my suckers only work as suction cups, but that proves you don’t even recognize me, doesn’t it! My suckers are made up of only small, complex muscle groups that can tear flesh or lift to 35 pounds (16 kilograms). Now you know why I’m so fat.
Don’t piss off my blue-ringed cousin
I’m an innocent octopus who wants to mind my own business. I have to use my brain to open bottles, I have to improve my home, make sweet love, and then die. But beware of the blue-ringed octopus because it can kill you and 25 of your closest friends instantly. I’m no more.